Obama Supporter Comes To His Senses!

Yes, after suffering unmitigated hell from my friends over voting for Obama, I have finally seen the light. That's right. They have preached over and over that if someone doesn't work or pay for what they get in life, they shouldn't get it. I finally understand.

Consequently, in honor of my conservative friends, I'm going to adopt a totally new style in my household. The time of free lunches, as these friends keep reminding me, is over. As a result, I'm coming out with a new list of fees related to entertainment at our humble abode.

First, since I'm busting my ass redoing my home, I feel it's only fair that people who enjoy the place should pay their fair share. The cover charge for just showing up now is $5 per head. If it's a scheduled event, the fee is waived. No one under 25 is welcome (I just threw that in to be mean).

Also, the free booze is over. All wine will be $8+ per glass, or a flat fee of $20+ per bottle, depending on vintage. After all, going to the liquor store burns gas and my time, not to mention the corking and decanting and an amortized amount for the wine glasses, which at our house, have a short life expectancy. If wine is brought to the party, there will be a minor $4 corking fee. All mixed drinks are $10 each. Beers are $6.

There will be new fees to use the swimming pool, as well. You may purchase a $20 pass for all-day use, or pay by the hour @ $8 per hour. It will not matter if you use the pool or not, only that you are by the pool, dressed in swimming attire. This applies both to the pool and the hot tub area as well. Chaise lounge rentals are available for $3 per hour. Towels are $2 a day. My conservative friends are absolutely right (pun intended), I have to cover the cost for the pool equipment maintenance, chemicals, utilities, daily cleaning, etc.

Meals. If the parties participate in the food provisions, there will be a review and if it's an equal portion for the meal, no fees apply. Use of the gas grille is to be billed at $10 per hour. Damn, Steffi and I worked for that and we're not about to just give away grille time to people who didn't work for it. Meals prepared by us will be $25 per head.

Card playing will require a $5 fee to play. Cards aren't free and neither was the table we're playing on.

Looking at our flowers will be a nominal $1 per look. It took a lot of money and sweat to get them looking this way.

Wii games are $4 each time the person plays. Watching our television is $2.50 per head per hour.

A glass of water is $.50. My water bill was over $100 last month.

Music is free, unless the party requests a specific recording, which will be $.10 per song.

To sit by a fire in the winter (firewood's not cheap) is $.50 per hour.

Bathroom use: included in the cover charge.

Well, I guess that just about covers it. I can't believe I have been so blind. Things we work for do cost time and money so why just give it away to others who didn't work for it?

On the other hand, the tongue in my cheek is getting tired and I don't really believe any of this nonsense, anyway.

Time Travel

If I had not experienced it first hand, I would never have believed it. Yesterday, as my cat returned from a successful venture of hunt and kill, she laid a rabbit at my feet. Perfect specimen, I thought. I knew it was only a matter of time until our cat began to throw the rabbit around and then start to nosh. As I painted and prepped the house,however, this creature was perpetually getting in my way. I felt this kill, like many victims before it, would have to be disposed of. As our rear fence guards some wooded terrain owned by the golf course, I often hurl carcasses well into the dense underbrush, to the complete joy of the scavengers and no doubt, the golf course personnel as well.

Depending on size of the carrion, which will trigger a special fee depending on its size before going airborne (ahem), I normally will employ my special snow shovel for rabbit-sized launches. As I readied the cargo for flight, I felt unusually powerful in my arms, no doubt a result of prepping and painting. An almost supernatural force spun the shovel skyward and I saw the rabbit climbing higher and higher in the air at incredible speed, until a flash of light, almost blinding me, filled my vision.

At almost the same instant, something hit my shovel, knocking me to the ground. In the shovel, incredibly, was the rabbit, alive, with the same markings, though much, much younger. As I sat stunned on the ground, the rabbit winked at me and took off for the bushes. Then it occurred to me: The rabbit had traveled through time, returning younger than it had left, only a nano-second before. What troubled me though, was how it had returned to the identical spot in my shovel. Discounting worm holes, as I often do in my discussions with Stephen Hawkings, I deduced that the rabbit had actually traveled at very close to the speed of light (c), achieving far more mass (m) as it approached c. With an adjustment for the gravity of the moon, it had assumed a trajectory that placed it in perfect elliptical figure-eight orbit around the sun. Of course, the rabbits m by now was close to a density capable of sucking the sun's m into it, potentially creating a black hole in space. Consequently, I had risked the end of our planet that would have been realized in only 17 minutes (the c of the sun's rays times d , the distance of the sun from earth). But, that's not important now.

By sheer luck, I had proven time travel. The phone is ringing now, the caller ID showing "Nobel" on the display, but I must ignore it. Quantum mechanics and special relativity have finally been wed. Imagine the offspring. No, don't. I can only say that this event has changed my life forever. If I can only find someone strong enough, I can pull of a real-life Benjamin Button right here in my own home! I've known for years that Steffi, my wife, prefers younger men so this will be the best of all worlds. Then, instead of pissing my life away chasing money, I will be able to fulfill my destiny of pissing it away at Oxford, drawing on chalkboards and wearing god-awful clothing.

I must go now. My painting and prepping awaits. I can't wait to see what the cat drags home! Now, where's my medication?!?