Time Travel

If I had not experienced it first hand, I would never have believed it. Yesterday, as my cat returned from a successful venture of hunt and kill, she laid a rabbit at my feet. Perfect specimen, I thought. I knew it was only a matter of time until our cat began to throw the rabbit around and then start to nosh. As I painted and prepped the house,however, this creature was perpetually getting in my way. I felt this kill, like many victims before it, would have to be disposed of. As our rear fence guards some wooded terrain owned by the golf course, I often hurl carcasses well into the dense underbrush, to the complete joy of the scavengers and no doubt, the golf course personnel as well.

Depending on size of the carrion, which will trigger a special fee depending on its size before going airborne (ahem), I normally will employ my special snow shovel for rabbit-sized launches. As I readied the cargo for flight, I felt unusually powerful in my arms, no doubt a result of prepping and painting. An almost supernatural force spun the shovel skyward and I saw the rabbit climbing higher and higher in the air at incredible speed, until a flash of light, almost blinding me, filled my vision.

At almost the same instant, something hit my shovel, knocking me to the ground. In the shovel, incredibly, was the rabbit, alive, with the same markings, though much, much younger. As I sat stunned on the ground, the rabbit winked at me and took off for the bushes. Then it occurred to me: The rabbit had traveled through time, returning younger than it had left, only a nano-second before. What troubled me though, was how it had returned to the identical spot in my shovel. Discounting worm holes, as I often do in my discussions with Stephen Hawkings, I deduced that the rabbit had actually traveled at very close to the speed of light (c), achieving far more mass (m) as it approached c. With an adjustment for the gravity of the moon, it had assumed a trajectory that placed it in perfect elliptical figure-eight orbit around the sun. Of course, the rabbits m by now was close to a density capable of sucking the sun's m into it, potentially creating a black hole in space. Consequently, I had risked the end of our planet that would have been realized in only 17 minutes (the c of the sun's rays times d , the distance of the sun from earth). But, that's not important now.

By sheer luck, I had proven time travel. The phone is ringing now, the caller ID showing "Nobel" on the display, but I must ignore it. Quantum mechanics and special relativity have finally been wed. Imagine the offspring. No, don't. I can only say that this event has changed my life forever. If I can only find someone strong enough, I can pull of a real-life Benjamin Button right here in my own home! I've known for years that Steffi, my wife, prefers younger men so this will be the best of all worlds. Then, instead of pissing my life away chasing money, I will be able to fulfill my destiny of pissing it away at Oxford, drawing on chalkboards and wearing god-awful clothing.

I must go now. My painting and prepping awaits. I can't wait to see what the cat drags home! Now, where's my medication?!?