Feline Futility

For generations, the argument has raged (well, maybe not raged) as to whether the dog or the cat represents the best choice as a pet. Cat owners call dogs stupid and dog owners call cats useless. For the sake of journalistic propriety, let me state for the record that I am a dog lover and have little or no use for cats. Yes, I think kittens are cute but am one who found Steve Martin's "cat juggling" skit to be hilarious, not inhumane.

One of the things that attracted me to my wife, Stephanie, when we met "online" on Match.com was in her bio. She went through a list of what she had in her life and ended with: "and two damn cats." I knew that if we held nothing else in common, her distaste for cats was at least a starting point. We eventually got married (almost 5 years ago) but the cats are still around. I must admit, they do grow on you after a while. One, I call "Grey Cat", is very affectionate, has been run over at least 5 or 6 times, and still keeps on. You've got to admire that. I renamed her Grey Cat because the name given her initially by my daughter, though innocent in its intent, made an ex-sailor nervous because the name, I believed, might offend any lesbian friends we might have. No, I will not reveal Grey Cat's original name, except maybe after a few glasses of wine.

The other cat, Feather, has no use for any human except at feeding time, when it makes a complete nuisance of itself whining for food. The only reason I tolerate her is that when Steffi and I were dating, this cat, who has never sought nor given any affection to anyone, came over and curled up in my lap. Everyone was shocked. Steffi joked that "Feather must approve of you." She has never repeated this behavior again.

It is believed that Grey Cat is older than Feather, and may be her 1st cousin, or aunt, or half-mother. Nobody's sure at this point. Cats inbreed and cross-pollinate so frequently it's like watching "Deliverance" all over again. You'd think that being related, they'd get along. Most of the time they just tolerate each other. Feather is constantly pestering Grey Cat and occasionally Grey Cat has enough. There's a lot of hissing and that guttural sound like no other. I have a can of compressed air that I use to pester Feather, just to make it fair.

With the prospect of moving in the near future, it has bothered me a little what we will do with these half feral cats. Of course, we could just move and take bets with the neighbors how long it would take for the cats to figure out we were gone. Just kidding. At their age, it also doesn't seem fair just to pawn them off on someone who likes the typical, genteel kitten. Another unspeakable option is not going to happen. I may not care that much for cats but I do love animals in general. Euthanasia might also precipitate a hand grenade over the fence from a PETA nut. I'd say we'd take them with us wherever we moved, though experienced feline types tell me that the disorientation would have them disappear, perhaps trying to hitchhike back to their hood.

I just don't know. Of course, this all began with a little girl that wanted pets. She is all grown up and gone away and the pets are still here. We're not complaining, we just wish our daughter was here with us, too.