An Open Letter to My Family

This will be the last unsolicited blog I send to the family. I hope somehow Steve gets a copy of this. If you wish to receive my future sophomoric meanderings, you'll have to request it. I know that to some, it will be just one more nuisance email that has to be deleted, along with the barrage of unsolicited tripe that bombards our computers. That's why I want this missive to say everything I have to say about family. If, in the end, it results in my family being constituted only by my loving wife and daughter, then so be it.

I moved to Houston years ago for a lot of reasons, not the least of which was because I was suffocating. The constant familial infighting, the soul-draining drama and endless intrigue was just too much for me to endure. The move west saved me. I put myself in a sink-or-swim condition and through my own mistakes and accomplishments, became my own person, impervious to the black hole that my family's relationships created.

I believe there is a misconception among most people that family, right or wrong, is family and it must be preserved at all costs. That's a foolish notion. Though in child-rearing I think it's important to expose a child to its extended family for the sense of security and belonging, the child is the most important issue. If a family, per se, represents a greater harm because of their behavior to the proper development of the child, then I believe it is incumbent on the parent to keep the child from being exposed to a family or member of that family that breeds negativity and/or sets a poor example.

Further, a healthy relationship is a far more important goal in life, whether it be family, friend, student or teacher, than any fanciful notion of cherishing relationships with someone simply because they possess similar DNA.

One of the greatest things about being in Houston was that every person I met was potentially a healthy relationship that could be built on, and the fabric of a new life spreading out before me each day filled me with promise. The incessant drumming of family plots, wounds, infighting, slights - real or imagined, moral outrage, it was all gone!

When a so-called family is dysfunctional to the point that it poisons the lives of everyone in it, it's time to either succumb to the attendent slow death or take action and remove oneself from it. I chose the latter and have not regretted it for a single instant. There is no implied blame in this statement. Whether one family member did or didn't do what they should have, or someone was most responsible for the seeds of all of the dysfunction is completely immaterial. At some point, each member of the family has to make their own decision to do what's necessary to lift themselves out of the morass, assume responsibility for their own lives, and in my case, continue to love while refusing to become sucked back in to the dysfunction. Each person is responsible only for their behavior and their reaction to the behavior of others. In the case of the good, bad and ugly of those around me, I choose to get over it and move on. I'm not going to carry that weight.

Whether or not a parent was or wasn't the ideal role model, a sibling did or didn't behave as I wished, a dream of an Ozzie and Harriet world did or didn't come true is a waste of precious emotional and intellectual energy. Sooner or later, one must wake up and realize that the precious gift of life is fleeting, that we all must elect each day to love or not, give or not, challenge ourselves to get out of our comfort zone and contribute to the planet or simply wallow in our self-pity and resentments for the balance of our time here.

We cannot change the way others behave. They are what and who they are and we either choose to love them, or not. There is a miraculous spiritual law of the universe that affords us great comfort: If we love, it never returns void. If we forgive, then we are forgiven. If we show mercy, mercy is shown to us. This is not real complicated. Unconditional love is never restricted to what a parent feels for a child. It is an action that we elect to take, or not to take.

I have made awful mistakes in my life, some of which involve family members. I have asked, and ask again now for forgiveness. I cannot change those mistakes, but I do own them and take responsibility for the consequences for my actions. I harbor no ill will toward anyone, largely because of the example I try and follow of my Dad's feelings for his entire family. No action of any of his loved ones changed his love for them. Immediately upon confession of a wrongdoing, he forgot it. But, like me, he was fiercely protective of his loved ones. As am I. If others harbor ill will towards me, then that is their cancer-of-the-soul to endure. Not mine.

Finally, I know terrible things about family members, some of it directed at me, some of it at other family members, some at themselves. It is already forgiven and I have moved on. I can only suggest that others do the same. If not, that's for them to live with. I cannot and will not participate in the high drama that still seems to rear its ugly head from time to time in this family. If that means certain members of my birth family will not be in Stephanie's, Emily's or my life, so be it. I want to be helpful to anyone in trouble but as for an ongoing relationship, I'm not interested in being around persons, family, friends or acquaintances that choose to see everything through the prism of "if you behave differently than I wish, then you are a bad person". Life is way too short. Whether the reader takes this personally or philosophically is entirely up to them. This is not directed at anyone in particular but I felt once and for all, if anyone cares to understand my beliefs, you now know them.

Our home is always open.